How to Have More FUN: Especially in Mid-Life

Bad Dreams

The other night I had a dream that my family and I were returning by car from our annual beach vacation. In the dream I dialed a friend on my iPhone to tell her all about our trip. When she asked how the week was, I suddenly realized that we hadn’t visited the beach even once.  I had to admit to her that we had spent the whole week right by the beach, but had never actually made our way to the white sugar sand or emerald green water. In my dream I was SO DISAPPOINTED with myself. I kept thinking How could I have been so close to something I love so much and never once made time to go there? How could I have been so irresponsible, so wasteful, so oblivious? How could I let this happen? I was filled with regret. And then like I often do with bad dreams, I suddenly and gratefully woke up. 

I think this dream represents two things: 

1.     My ability to have anxiety about nearly anything, even vacation.

2.     A wonderful and well-timed analogy that fits perfectly in an essay titled More Fun. 

Let’s conveniently skip over representation #1 (if you want to read more about my anxiety, you can do so here), and get right to representation #2. In the big picture of life, I don’t want “fun” to be like the beach in my dream. I don’t want to think, “How could I have been so close to so many chances for fun and never made time for it?”  I don’t want to suddenly recognize that I worked, worried, exercised, napped and people-pleased my way through life without making an intentional effort to have a decent amount of fun along the way. I definitely don’t want to get to the end of my life and have the same regretful feeling that I did in the dream

These are all of the things that I don’t want. So, what exactly is it that I do want? Well, I guess I want more fun, more intentional moments of doing things for the sheer enjoyment of them, more energetic moments of feeling carefree and happy, and more likelihood of getting to the end of my life and looking back fondly at a lifetime of fun memories. I’m kind of ashamed to admit that my capacity for fun diminished as I approached midlife. Having fun just got harder. As a kid, fun was as easy as playing wiffle ball in the neighborhood, chasing after the ice cream truck, and swimming all day with friends.  As a teen and college kid, it was mixing with friends, going out to parties, becoming part of a couple, and trying on newly gained independence. Ramping up to midlife most of my fun was wrapped up in the raising of our kids. Firsts and milestones, school and sports, movie nights and Disney trips, there was always something producing organic fun. Sure, we had occasional fun nights out with friends, but we had firmly planted our RESPONSIBILITY hats on our heads as we navigated parenthood.  Fast forward to being empty nesters, and we found ourselves back to square one of fun.  

It took us a minute (or maybe six to eight weeks if you ask my husband) to find our footing after our youngest left for college. After so many years of being tasked and entertained with all of the good and bad that comes with child rearing, we kind of looked at each other and went, “Now what?”  Ok, so maybe I was the one doing the “now what” looking.  If you ask Brian, he was certain that we would get back to having fun, and he was ready immediately. This is best illustrated by the texts we both sent back to his mom on college move-in day for our youngest.  When his Mom texted us, Thinking of you today (heart emoji), I texted back Thanks (heart emoji, crying emoji), and Brian texted back Thanks (party hat emoji x 5, champagne popping emoji x 3). 

After a bumpy few weeks (that’s for another essay), we’re three years in, and I’d say we’ve found a good balance of having fun again both as a couple and as individuals. The things that used to seem so fun – big crowds, late nights, a second bottle of wine – aren’t so appealing anymore. But some fun things remained, like traveling together, long and meandering conversations, and movie watching. We’ve also discovered some new things that have been a lot of fun like cooking together, making friends with bartenders as we dine at the bar instead of a table, and finally caring about our landscaping. These are things our twenty-something selves could have never imagined. 

I don’t think I’m the only middle-aged person who has had to relearn fun.  As with anything else in life, if you want more of it, you have to go out and create it. These are a few of the “rules” I use as I continue to try to elevate the amount of fun I’m having in this new chapter of my life

The Rules of Fun

1. The absolute number one rule of fun is that the activity has to be fun FOR YOU!

I’m amazed at how many times in my life I’ve tried to squeeze myself into other peoples’ definitions of fun. For instance, big crowds and sweaty people are not my idea of fun, but if being in the middle of a rock concert, feeling the collective energy and sharing sweat with others is your idea of fun, go for it (when it’s safe again). If on the other hand, you’re more of a party of one or two kind of person, then let yourself think of your solo or intimate gathering as fun too. Some of my most fun times have been when I’ve given myself permission to get completely lost in a quiet bookstore, or when I’ve shared a quiet night on the porch with Brian. 

 2. To have more fun, you have to jump start your fun radar. 

It’s kind of tricky because the times when we need more fun are usually the times when we’re feeling low and non-energetic. Challenge yourself to schedule one “fun for me” thing a week. The only purpose of the activity should be to experience fun for a short duration. Start with thirty minutes and keep the pressure low. The possibilities here really are endless. Fun could be making a new recipe, taking a walk with a friend, painting rocks, watching a comedian on Netflix, or simply dancing in your living room. Practicing having fun usually leads to recognizing opportunities for more fun. 

3. It’s easier to have fun in fun environments. 

It’s no accident that Disney delights your senses from the moment you enter the park. The colors, sounds, and smells all prime your mind for fun. You can use a similar hack when you’re trying to generate more fun in your daily life. What kinds of colorful and uplifting things can you display around your house? A $20 bouquet of flowers every other week or once a month is well worth the investment when you think about how much money is spent every year on relieving stress once it takes us out with illness or burnout. Combining upbeat photos onto a gallery wall or even on a cork board can help to trigger positive emotions and remind you of the importance of having fun on a regular basis.  Look around the places where you spend the most time and see if they convey the sense of levity and fun that you’re looking for in your life. 

 4.  You don’t have to wait to have fun until EVERYTHING ELSE is done. 

If you wait until your to-do list is completely done to have fun, you’ll be waiting forever. It’s a skill to be able to turn down the voice in your head that says, “But wait, you can’t have fun, you still have a huge project that’s due by next Tuesday morning!” This voice doesn’t care that it’s Saturday and you’re not working. If you can’t control those kinds of intrusive thoughts, your fun meter probably isn’t going to move very much. Push back against that voice. Tell it to “Bug Off!” or use some stronger language if you feel so inclined.  And remember, fun is sometimes the very thing we need to find the energy to finish a big project or meet a tight deadline.  

5. Don’t let the harsh realities of life keep you from having fun.  

I think part of the reason fun gets harder to come by as we age is that we’ve seen the darker side of life – loss, disappointment, obligation, bills. The less fun things of adulthood can make having fun seem like an unnecessary indulgence or guilty pleasure. It’s never too late to make fun a priority in your life. Start with baby steps, and don’t defeat yourself before you begin by thinking that others who have more fun have an easier life. Anything that looks easy from the outside takes lots of practice.  The truth is that fun is a key part of staying mentally healthy, energized, and engaged in many other areas of your life. Taking time to have fun makes everything else in life better and easier. 

Conclusion 

Sometimes people give up on having fun because they’re worn out or exhausted by the things in their lives – a global pandemic, possibly? I’m not advocating for 24/7 fun, and I know it’s not as easy as wishing for more fun and suddenly it appears. However, I am encouraging you to find your own pockets of fun in the midst of a world filled with uncertainty, adversity, and plenty of opportunities to get caught up in the negative side of life. Even small amounts of your brand of fun can make your world brighter, and when you shine, everyone else benefits from the warmth. 

Here’s to more fun and less regret starting now.

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