SELF-CARE: Cocktails and Chocolate
In the midst of sheltering in place this spring, my daughter and I decided to grow two tomato plants and a pepper plant on our back patio. With new-hobby excitement, we pulled on our pristine, coral-colored gardening gloves and set about planting three baby plants, each in a separate container. We took care in those early days watering and feeding the plants, checking on their progress, and imagining the big juicy tomatoes we would be harvesting in 75 days (according to that little plastic thingy in the original container).
And then, my daughter moved out, and I did a terrible job of caring for our infant plants.
Biting the dust like most new hobbies, I lost interest, and it became an anomaly to trek down the back steps to water our little garden. The plants lived through weeks of hot July summer days completely in the hands of Mother Nature and their own determination.
Two weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon in late August, I spied a perfect pepper and a tiny red tomato from our screened in porch —- a small miracle in the midst of a difficult and strange season. This week I picked a few more red tomatoes and another pepper. I sent my daughter a picture of our humble harvest with the caption, “If we actually worked at this next year, imagine the haul we would have.”
As I rinsed the petite and perfectly constructed tomato in our kitchen sink, I couldn’t help but think about how many of us, myself included, neglect ourselves in similar ways —- surviving through harsh conditions, not taking the time to care for our own well-being.
We, like those little tomato plants that could, continue to exist even when we’re not paying attention to what we truly need. The results are OK, but it’s basically status quo survival mode. And sometimes, due to circumstances, that’s what it has to be. But, I know from personal experience that we can thrive and produce much more fruit with even small amounts of consistent self-care, which I define as the art of intentionally showing love to your body, mind, and soul.
MORE SELF-CARE is not a rallying cry that feels appropriate these days. The world is chaotic, lives are turned upside down, and pain is everywhere. We shy away from the term and the action because it’s easy to confuse self-care with selfishness.
Even worse, self-care is typically thought of as a combination of massages, beauty products, and “me time” topped off with a mani/pedi special. While all of these are perfectly acceptable forms of self-care, I think we need to expand our definition and ask, What does it truly mean to give ourselves the same care and consideration that we give to others?
Of course, it’s good to care for others; we are built for connection, and tending to each other is one of the most beautiful parts of being human. But some days we care for our pets, the people in the grocery line, and even people in traffic more than we care for ourselves (I’m not the only one who does the go ahead wave when someone needs to turn out of a parking lot into traffic, am I?).
We have a much easier time neglecting our own needs than the needs of others. “Other-care” comes naturally, but self-care? Not so much. And the side effects ripple and ripple and ripple. Burnout, stress, frustration, general dissatisfaction with life — these are the things that eventually take their toll not only on us, but on everyone around us.
It’s crucial to remember that you caring for yourself is a way to care for others.
SO HOW DO YOU BETTER CARE FOR YOURSELF?
Step 1: Make Life Easier.
One way to think about self-care is to think about how to make choices that make life less complicated. In a recent Saturday morning newsletter, I shared a list of things that I think make life easier
being kind to yourself
not trying to change people
intentionally relaxing every day (even if it's for five minutes)
letting go of perfectionism
being ok if you're not someone else's cup of tea
asking for help when you need it
sharing with someone when you're feeling down
listening to your body (rest when needed / move when needed)
knowing it's ok to say no
being ok with eating the WHOLE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE
Self-care is about taking a step back to look for ways you might be unconsciously making things harder for yourself in your day-to day-life. Getting wrapped up in problems that aren’t our own to fix, thinking that we can possibly get it all done without asking for help, and saying yes to everything under the sun without truly considering the yes-to-stress ratio are all ways we add unnecessary stress to our lives. They are the hot summer days with no water that my little tomato plants lived through. You can survive like this too, but do you really want to?
Step 2: Make Life Harder (for a minute).
Self-care also involves the hard stuff in life — setting boundaries with others, listening to yourself, and expressing what you need and then acting on it, even when it’s hard or inconvenient.
We sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that if we please enough people, our inner angst will disappear. I’ve found the opposite to be true. Each time I make a decision that reflects what I authentically need, feel, or know (even if it’s hard), I feel a greater sense of peace. I feel genuinely cared for by me. Forget waiting for someone else to take care of you, do it yourself. And remember, you’re never too old or too young to begin genuinely taking care of yourself.
The guilt that can initially accompany re-committing to self-care fades, and you’ll find that while your life may be harder in some specific moments or with some specific people, on the other side of those moments and people is a payoff for cultivating a life you love. Crafting a good life requires the courage to make tough choices and put ourselves first sometimes. These are the seeds that, when planted, lead to a more beautiful and joyful life in the long run.
Step 3: Expand your definition of self-care.
The other night I was driving home after a stressful day, and I was concerned about someone I love because they were sick. The whole way home I was vacillating between worry and thinking about the first sip of a moscow mule in an ice-filled copper cup. I planned to make this drink for myself immediately upon my arrival home.
Imagine the joy I felt when I opened the freezer to retrieve my ice and there in all of its sweet glory was half of a frozen Milky Way Dark candy bar (my favorite). Hmmm, could this be self-care? That night - YES!
I recognize the fine line between self-care and self-destruction, but that night I enjoyed every single second of propping up my feet, sipping on my drink, and finishing off that candy bar.
I don’t want to discount the healthy side of self-care—, things like massages, yoga, breathing exercises, better nutrition, and generally doing things that are good for you. But sometimes, we have to be ok with caring for ourselves by giving ourselves what we truly want, and if that’s a Milky Way Dark (seriously, have you tried it?) and a cocktail on a Tuesday night every once in a while, then so be it.
Conclusion
Somewhere along the way, many of us forget that we’re actually supposed to enJOY our days. The joy gets in when we learn to pay attention to ourselves, to our needs, and when we give ourselves at least some equal billing in the “care department.” Make sure you’re putting some things you enjoy doing on your to-do list (or your Joy Map). And if you need even more motivation, remember that taking care of yourself and showing love to your body, mind, and soul makes it easier to take care of others.
You can’t shine your light if you don’t have any.
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