ENERGY: The Value of More and Less

For as long as I can remember, when it comes to physical energy, my default is set on LOW. I was the kid who never complained when it was nap time in kindergarten. As an adolescent, on road trips I would sleep through entire states. As a teen, I regularly slept until noon in the summer, waking up only to watch Days of Our Lives and eat SpaghettiOs (that might be why I remained tired).  And when high school kicked back in, I can remember the delight of snuggling my head into my pillow after a long day of school, activities, and homework. 

When I went away to college, I thought maybe my sleepiness would be something I would outgrow, but I spent more than one afternoon skipping class to take a nap. 

In fact, I still love naps. And while I’m not as sleepy as I was as a young adult (by a tiny margin), I definitely have a committed relationship with going to bed early, avoiding crack of dawn mornings, traveling with my favorite pillow, wearing earplugs to bed, and doing whatever’s needed to get seven hours of sleep consistently. 

If there was a fan club for sleep, I would definitely consider running for president. That’s why I’m always partly surprised and partly in love with a person when they say to me, “You have great energy.” 

They have no idea about the fraught love / hate relationship I have with energy. 

Not an Energizer Bunny

I wish I had great physical energy, but I wasn’t blessed with a never-ending energizer bunny type of disposition. I was, however, blessed with a different type of energy – the energy to connect, to bring good will, and to shine for short bursts of time. I’ll take this kind of disposition any day. 

Even as I write this, my inner critic is popping her head up to say, “that sounds so narcissistic.” But part of Journeying to the Brightside is recognizing and claiming our gifts and using them for good.  And if I can’t do this, then how am I supposed to ask you to do it? So, I’m owning the fact that most days, with most people, I bring good energy into a room. 

I’m a big believer that to see and be the good in the world, we have to recognize and control the kind of energy we bring to a situation.  This second kind of energy, the energy that allows us to connect with others, can be a catalyst for more joy, meaning, and satisfaction in our daily lives. And you can learn to evaluate and generate that kind of good energy no matter what your situation. It simply calls for you to recognize and be intentional about the energy you’re sharing. 

The funny thing is that the people who probably get my worst energy are the ones that I love the most.  This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. What’s it like to love me? To live with me? To sit across the dinner table from me? To be in a conversation with me? To share something with me? Work something out with me? To be my husband? My kid? My mom? My brother? My sister? My friend? 

Am I a welcome ear, or am I looking at my phone? Am I genuinely interested or distracted and grumpy? Am I patient and understanding or quick to point out flaws and solutions? Am I someone I would want to spend time with? 

And while that’s a lot of what seems like self-indulgent questioning, it actually comes from meditating on a famous quote by Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” If this is true, and I believe it is, then isn’t it important to consider how our energy makes others feel? 

I know I’m not the only one who feels like home is a place to relax and shed the persona that we spend our days creating out in the world. But I’ve come to recognize that to live a truly integrated, joyful life, the persona that I project to my colleagues and acquaintances of someone with “good energy” must mostly match the person I am at home -  even when I’m tired after a long day, or stressed because something isn’t going as planned, or called to do something that I’m not especially fond of. It is during times like this, with the people that I love dearly, that my energy matters the most. 

Who cares if I’m giving off warm, inviting energy to my most recent coffee date if I’m not sharing that same warmth with the people who matter the most? 

Relationships and Energy

People you love say dumb things (and we say dumb things to the people we love, too). They get on your last nerve when they ask about the one piece of laundry that wasn’t done, or the one grocery item that was left off of the list. People you love will question your parenting choices or job choices or life choices, and it will make you defensive. Being in relationships is hard. It’s easy to get frustrated, zone out, or get snippy. The harder task of being human is to recognize moments when it would be easy to unleash negativity and, instead, pause and make a different choice. 

Our energy isn’t just ours. It belongs to everyone within a ten-foot radius of us (or our text messages, emails, and social media posts), and it’s contagious. So that means if you’re mindlessly frustrated, your frustration affects not only you, but everyone else you’re with. 

Let’s say you’re especially outwardly aggravated at something –something that has nothing to do with the people you’re in relationship with. If you’re not careful, your aggravation flows to them, too. It diffuses around you and coats everyone with a layer of negativity. 

Learning to control reactions that can ruin not just your state of mind, but affect the state of mind of those you’re with, is part of the hard work of becoming emotionally intelligent.  It is in reflecting on the kind of energy we generate, indulge in, and pass along that some of the best opportunities for growth arrive. 

You Can Still Get Mad

I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t ever feel frustrated, angry, or exhausted – I feel all of those things on at least a weekly basis (even more so in our shelter-in-place, COVID-19 environment). But if you want to increase the amount of good energy you’re putting into the world, as well as live a more joyful and loving life, you have to be mindful of how and when you process those emotions.  

What is it like to be around your energy?  

The funny thing is that we can easily see the flaws in others. They’re so negative. All they talk about is what’s wrong with things. They complain endlessly. They’re no fun to be around. But how often do we turn the mirror back to check on our own reflection? 

I know I’ve fallen short in this area countless times. When I’m tired, sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and not be bothered, but that’s not always possible. These are the times when I have to consider: How can I make this person in front of me right now feel loved?

Or, when I’ve had a long day at work and I’m feeling especially stressed: How can I process this negativity so that the people I love aren’t forced to feel what I’m feeling? 

When I’m feeling especially overwhelmed in general, I try to go to this question: What do I need to do for myself to interrupt this spiral? And how do I communicate what I need in a way that builds instead of tears down a relationship? 

These are not easy questions or easy actions. Easy is reacting. Hard is pausing, considering, making a different choice, tripping over words as you try to express yourself in a new way, sharing with a loved one that you’re working on something new, breathing instead of going deeper into the bad energy pit.  

A Helpful and Quick Exercise

One of the best ways I’ve found to bring good energy both in my daily work and in my daily life with those I love is through an exercise called The Power 10.  I created this exercise for a workshop, but I’ve talked about it and used it countless times in various ways. 

It’s simple. List the 10 words you want others to use to describe you. In other words if you were to overhear a conversation between 2 people where one is describing you to the other, what words do you hope you hear? List them now on whatever you have access to – your notes app, a scratch piece of paper, an email to yourself.

After you’ve finished, look over your list. I’m guessing your words were positive.  Our Power 10 list uncovers the vision we have for ourselves. It’s us picturing ourselves as the best of who we are.  

Now comes the harder part – testing to see if we’re living according to our Power 10.  The test is simple; fill in the blanks below for several people you interact with (significant other, child, parent, friend, co-worker, boss, etc.):

Based on my most recent interaction with ___________________________, the word he or she 

would use to describe me is ____________________________. 

If the words in the second blank match the words you put on your Power 10 list, then you are living in alignment with the vision you have for yourself.  You’re bringing all the GOOD ENERGY. If the words don’t match, then you know where to start. 

If you don’t have a lot of matching words, you might now understand why you sometimes feel frustrated and you’re not sure why. When our actions don’t match our intentions, we know something is off, but we may not be aware enough to put our finger on it.  Now, you know, and with knowledge comes the power to change and make a different choice.

I’ve had a whole lot of different lists for my Power 10. I like to reassess a few times a year, and I’m not always perfect at living this out (I know, shocking!).  But my list does remind me of the person that I want to be, and the majority of the time, it directs my actions and keeps me on a path that I like being on.  

Part of generating good energy is feeling like you are aligned with your values and bringing the best of who you are to situations.  The Power 10 exercise can help you do that.  

I can guarantee that my list doesn’t have the words tired (even though I am), frustrated (even though I might be), or not fun to be around (even though sometimes that’s just the reality).

By taking a look at what it’s like to be with me, I get a better picture of the kind of energy I want to bring to the table. When I know that, things get a whole lot more joyful, bright, and meaningful for me and everyone around me.

Have I told you that you have great energy too? It’s there every day, just waiting to be chosen. 

Even in a global pandemic!

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