ANXIETY: Have a Little Faith
When I was 22 and working my first real job in sales, I was invited to the company Christmas party at the owner’s home. My future husband and I attended and practiced being genuine grownups, holding our wine and beer trying to look like we belonged.
As we mixed with other guests, we came across a group of people that included a customer who I talked to on the phone nearly every day. As I enthusiastically greeted him with a big hug and a warm, “Hi, Gary!” he turned to his wife to introduce me and said, “Honey, meet Marcia.”
Time. Stood. Still.
I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you already know that my name is Monica, not Marcia, and although I do recognize he got it close, when it comes to names it’s pretty much an all or nothing game.
While my co-workers laughed, and I gently corrected him, I had a compelling desire to miniaturize myself and crawl into the bottle of Riesling from which my wine had been poured.
Embarrassment, shame, and thoughts of you are so not a grown up and don’t even belong here flooded my body. And while now I can look back on that memory and laugh, I think if you’ve ever been called by the wrong name you can relate to the range of emotions I was feeling in the moment: small, stressed, sad, out of place, mind racing, insecure, and exposed.
Now imagine feeling many of those same emotions and the physical reactions that come with them (racing mind, rapid heartbeat, nervous stomach) on a daily basis as you try to go about your normal activities.
Waking up and getting out of bed – yep.
Getting on a work call – yep.
Going out for a night with friends – yep.
That’s the best way that I know how to describe what it’s like to have bouts of chronic, low-level anxiety.
My Story
For me, anxiety shows up as an altered mental and physical state where I can never fully relax or trust that things will be ok. It mainly appears when things are uncertain or in transition and sticks around like the residue that’s left when you peel a price tag off of glass.
I can point to specific seasons of anxiety throughout my life – after having both of my kids, after 9/11, when my kids started kindergarten, high school, and college, when I began teaching in the college classroom, when I started my own business. The list could go on and on.
During these spirals I got really good at compounding the negative emotions that come with anxiety by blaming myself with thoughts of why can’t I just BE NORMAL(like her)?
While I have never been formally diagnosed with a long-term anxiety disorder, I know that during certain periods of my life, I have regularly battled its symptoms which are succinctly stated in Sheryl Paul’s book The Wisdom of Anxiety as, “worry, intrusive thoughts, obsessions, compulsions, insomnia, and somatic symptoms.” This last one reminds me of all of the times I’ve cajoled my husband, Brian, into reassuring me that my health is intact.
Look in my eye, does this look normal?
Feel my back, is there something in there?
What do you think of this mole on my neck, should I be worried?
Counter-intuitively, his patient, calming responses sometimes ignite even more anxiety in my very active worst-case scenario imagination. And I will spare you the details of all of the times I’ve projected my hypochondriacal thinking onto him or my kids. In one instance Brian came home from work early with a headache (this has happened once in our nearly twenty-five year marriage), and I insisted on rousing him from his nap and prying his eyelid open to make sure his pupil looked normal.
It’s hell being a stress-a-holic and worry wart, but it might be even worse living with one.
I’ve been trying to solve for this kind of non-productive thinking for decades - therapy, self-help, meditation, tapping, studying my enneagram type / DiSC style / character strengths, diffusing essential oils, changing my diet, taking vitamins and supplements, walking; the list is exhaustive. (I may have even tried chanting once.) Like an overeater searching for the next easy diet, for years I searched for the quick fix that would quell my feelings of unease.
But it hasn’t all been bad. The major symptom of my anxiety was STRESS and all of its manifestations, and it actually led me to my current career. Over ten years ago I started The Work Well Group teaching stress management workshops mostly because I needed the info more than anyone.
Through it all, I kept wishing for a magic pill or silver bullet that would allow me to instantly manage my anxiety, but after years of diving deep into a pool of research, techniques, and information, I finally came to a big conclusion.
The answer to managing my anxiety wasn’t external; it was internal, and it can be summed up in two words:
More Faith
Having this personal mantra front and center has been a difference maker for keeping my anxiety at bay and moving through it more quickly when it rises. I’ve found there are three specific applications where more faith has been an anxiety antidote.
More Faith in Myself
Many people who experience anxiety also constantly search outside of themselves for the right answers. That explains my years of wading through all of the knowledge, skills, habits and techniques that are known to minimize its effects (this research did have a multitude of benefits). It also explains why I would often seek external approval from others before moving forward with a decision that I knew was right for me.
Lack of trust in myself, to not only make the right decision, but to trust that I could figure it out even if I made a wrong one was a long time coming. It took me until I was into my 40’s to be able to regularly tune into my own internal GPS.
Listening to myself was its own form of liberation. I got curious about the times I would feel anxious and began to see patterns and triggers. I noticed how I would often blame myself, thinking that I had done something wrong in situations that didn’t warrant it. I started challenging intrusive thoughts and recognizing that I could make a choice other than my usual default mode and feel better instead of worse. I learned how to foster peace instead of fuel inner chaos.
Taking a step back to recognize what I need when I begin to feel anxious has been key. Sometimes I need more rest, more fresh air, more exercise, or better boundaries. Sometimes I need less screen time, less exposure to the news, less giving a flying flamingo about what others think – even people that I really love and admire.
I now have more faith that I know what’s right for me, and more agency to act upon it. I’ve also taken more responsibility for when things don’t go right. Having more faith in myself has given me more courage to have tough conversations, to admit when I’m wrong, and to recognize that my comfort and peace of mind should not have to come at the expense of anyone else’s life (for instance, Brian should be able to take a nap and not have me checking his eyeballs). I’ve done more apologizing and less apologizing – which if you’re understanding what I’m saying makes perfect sense.
More Faith in Others
When you have anxiety, it’s hard to naturally trust others. But with Brian, it’s different. He has loved me through every minute of my anxiety, strange symptoms and all. Sure, there are times when I can tell I’ve driven him crazy, but he always makes me feel loved as is. It’s one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given. He’s helped me to see that my default mode when dealing with others doesn’t have to be what did I do wrong? That sometimes other people mess up, do the damage, and hold the blame. (And I think on the flip side, I’ve helped him to see the opposite when needed.) He’s encouraged me to be myself. Some people will like me, some won’t, and either way, I’ll survive.
This thinking has helped me to recognize and trust that others know what’s best for them too. I have more faith that there’s a reason behind their actions that have nothing to do with me. I resist creating stories in my mind. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I freak out less and send love more. I have more faith that we’re all just trying to do the best we can at this complicated, wonderful, sometimes awful task of being human. Having more faith in others has helped me to be a less anxious more loving person.
More Faith in God
Spirituality is different for everyone – for me, it’s manifested as a love of learning about a wide variety of spiritual traditions, which have all informed my prayer and meditation practices. Recently, I have found renewed faith in the Christian tradition (being raised Catholic, this was the most familiar to me).
A couple of years ago I was invited to attend a women’s bible study by a friend. I had never seen myself as someone who had enough faith to attend a bible study, and I had never really delved into reading scriptures, but because I loved this friend and was a recent empty nester, I thought why not?
As a life-long learner, I should have figured I would really enjoy reading and discussing the text, but even more than that, the circle of women that I’ve become friends with because of this invitation has been an unbelievable gift at this time in my life. We are all different and unique, but we share a common desire to lift each other up and help each other to grow in faith. We’ve created a unique space to share our authentic selves, our doubts, and our beliefs. There’s no drama, no expectation, and no judgment. There’s a whole lot of love. It’s exactly the type of relationship that I think God wants to have with all of us.
Through this renewed faith, I have become better at trusting that there is a plan and that God is in control. This belief provides me with peace of mind and comfort, and most days helps me to stay out of the spiral of anxiety and in a space of positively moving forward.
One of my favorite passages is about Jesus calming a storm when he is in a boat with his disciples (Matthew 8: 23-27). It reminds me that there is someone else in the boat with me when I feel tossed about by waves of uncertainty.
I believe that no matter your religion or spirituality, focusing on the love and support that’s present in the Universe and connecting with people who can remind you of that love and support helps to minimize the anxiety that permeates modern life. For me, a renewed faith in God has been a huge comfort and helps me maintain a healthier mental state.
Conclusion
While I recognize that the mantra of “More Faith” is a very short and sweet way to think about coping with daily anxiety, and not at all a cure-all, those two words symbolize so many new mindsets, habit changes, and hard mental work I’ve done over the years to make big changes through small, everyday actions.
I hope I’ve offered perspective and support by sharing my own story of coping with anxiety. Obviously I’m not a medical professional (as evidenced in the earlier story about prying Brian’s eye open) so always default to your trusted professional for medical advice, and for immediate support with chronic or severe anxiety.
I guess the real test will be the next time I’m called by the wrong name and instead of being mortified and internalizing it, I’ll be able to quickly laugh it off. That’s when I’ll know I’ve really made progress! Marcia, anyone?
If you liked this essay, and you’re not already receiving our weekly Saturday newsletter “Three Good Things” where I share an encouraging note and 3 Things to make everyday life brighter, sign up here.
