CONFIDENCE: A Thousand Tiny Acts
When my daughter Carli was 15, she decided to switch high schools. Before I get to the reasons why, there are a few things you need to know about Carli.
1. She is one of the sweetest human beings on the planet (and I’m not just saying that because she’s my daughter – ask anyone). And yes, she does have a feisty side, so it’s not all sugar, all of the time; there is some spice.
2. She is beautifully petite with an amazingly big heart and an equally admirable brain. She is competent and capable and filled with everything she needs to accomplish any goal she chooses.
I have been telling Carli these things for years, but for a very long time, and sometimes now, even still, self-doubt wins out. She can’t see what I see.
She decided to transfer schools her sophomore year because something about the all girls, academically-focused high school she had chosen just didn’t feel right. When she spoke up and said she wanted to consider going to the smaller, tight-knit high school that both my husband and I had attended, we listened.
Carli was in search of a home for herself, a place where she felt more connection, more visible, and ultimately, even if she didn’t articulate it, more confident.
Anyone who has walked with their child through a transition like this one knows that it comes with palpable heartache, and as a Mom, you feel it. I worried if we were doing the right thing. I worried if Carli would find her footing. I worried that the experience she was longing for would never show up.
As a faith-filled worry wart (yes, that’s possible), I prayed. Hard.
God, please help Carli through this transition, please let her feel your strength and the strength of those who love her. Help her find friends that she connects with and with whom she can truly be herself. Give her courage and help her to see how beautiful, strong, and capable she is. Let her see how much she has to offer. Protect her from darkness and the self-doubt that can keep her from living a life of joy, meaning and satisfaction.
On about the third night of praying this kind of prayer, a thought dropped into my head like a big fat unexpected raindrop out of an otherwise blue sky –
maybe you need to pray this prayer for yourself too.
It’s funny the way God works. As I laid in bed in my dark bedroom and prayed the prayer again, I realized these were the exact things that I needed too.
When I looked at it from an objective viewpoint, I realized that my external indicators of confidence were high and easily visible to others (much like Carli’s), but my internal indicators were wacky always questioning, doubting, and fearful that I was doing everything all wrong – parenting, work, being a friend, cooking, and on and on.
For someone who was constantly trying to give my daughter a confidence transfusion, I failed to recognize how my default mode was also one where I lacked an internal confidence that would have made my day-to-day life so much more enJOYable.
When confidence is quiet our inner critic is usually speaking at top-notch volume, and if we’re not careful, we can accept whatever it says as truth. When we’re out in the world, so many people can see how great we are, but this voice, when uncontrolled, makes it nearly impossible to see what others see.
Quieting the inner critic takes practice, but it’s worth every ounce of effort. As weight loss coach Corrine Crabtree says, “quit talking shit to yourself.” Maybe easier said than done, but a goal worth working toward daily.
BTW, Carli found her footing, had an amazing high school experience, and has learned how to control the volume on her inner critic most of the time (and so have I) even if some days we totally suck at it.
Confidence Isn’t For Sale
Confidence can either propel you forward, or if you haven’t figured out how to generate enough of it, can hold you back. Unfortunately, you can’t buy it on Amazon and have it show up on your doorstep the next day. The only certain way I’ve found to get more of it is through hundreds and sometimes even thousands of tiny acts.
When I first started The Work Well Group, I definitely experienced imposter syndrome. That’s the creepy feeling that someone will find out that you’re a fraud, even though you have a right to be exactly where you are. Imposter syndrome can send you into a spiral of self-doubt and actually make you less effective at what you know you can do. When you’re stuck in paranoid mode, it’s kind of hard to unlock the parts of your brain that can come up with innovative and creative ideas for whatever you’re doing.
Anytime we’re doing something new, imposter syndrome is likely to show up. We have so little patience when it comes to giving ourselves room to gain experience. We’re bad freaking friends to ourselves – so demanding, so critical, and so ready to remind ourselves of all of the places we fall short. We would never put up with someone else treating us like this.
To have a joyful life where you feel confident and capable, it’s imperative that you push back against thinking in this way. In case you haven’t been told lately, you don’t have to prequalify for more confidence –it doesn’t require a well-organized house, a body with 20 less pounds, a career that’s perfectly suited and lucrative, a bank account that impresses. You will be waiting for confidence and the joy that comes with it FOREVER if these are the standards that you’re playing by.
The only thing you need for more confidence is to DECIDE that you’re enough as-is, perfectly imperfect, and then TAKE ACTION to do the things you want or need to do even in the face of uncertainty and discomfort. Be kind to yourself while you’re learning.
In the book How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. she states,
You don’t gain confidence in a vacuum and then go off and conquer the world. Instead, you learn to be confident, to have courage, to get over anxiety, to live your life authentically, by doing challenging things. And an authentic life includes some rejection, some awkwardness, and some embarrassment. But guess what? It also includes deep satisfaction in your accomplishments, even when they don’t turn out exactly as you pictured them.
And with ongoing practice, you’ll find it also includes many Moments and even some elation. By practicing, you’ll learn that even if bad stuff happens, you can keep moving forward, keep being brave. You can handle it. (166-167)
Confidence is the belief that you can handle whatever comes your way. You can do hard and challenging things and not always get it 100 percent right. You have to give yourself credit for doing IT – whatever it is.
What Others Think Is None of Your Business
Once you get the internal settings right and get better at healthy self-talk, then comes yet another confidence hurdle, staying confident in spite of what others think and sometimes say about you.
Whenever you’re creating anything (a life, a marriage, a vacation plan, a book, a lemon meringue pie) you open yourself to others’ opinions – mostly unsolicited. It is a trick worth learning to be as Teflon as possible and not let what other people think about you stick.
Carli, who is now 22, and I often encourage each other to share our creative work with the world even when we don’t know how it will land or who will comment. One day we were having a discussion about a podcast she had listened to where five people were commenting negatively about a movie they didn’t like. As they bashed every aspect, it became more clear to Carli that whenever you produce anything creative, there will be (at least) five people who don’t “get” you or your work and will enjoy tearing you down. We’ve dubbed this the Five Weirdos effect.
Anyone with intentional confidence knows that the price of admission when it comes to sharing creative work is tolerating the haters. And this is true in many aspects of our lives. If you’re living an exceptional, happy life, there are always going to be people who are aggravated that you’re not as miserable as them. It’s the “who does she think she/he is” mentality. The key is to not let this mentality keep you from creating a life you love. If it does, then the weirdos win.
My confidence evolution these days is about having a thicker skin while keeping a big heart. I don't want to protect myself so much that I fail to connect with others. I want to stay open and know that I don’t have to believe everything someone thinks or says about me. I constantly have to remind myself that it’s ok if people don’t understand or like me. I can survive in spite of facts like these. Not easy for a mid-western, Catholic raised girl.
Most of all, I have to remember that confidence is an inside job and a daily practice. Some days will be better than others. Self-doubt still creeps in, but I have more tools to keep it from spiraling.
And what I know for sure is that I have more ability than anyone to boost myself up or tear myself down. Life is brighter and more joyful when I cut myself some slack, believe in my ability to handle whatever comes my way (with the help of more than a few prayers), and approach the world from the angle that I’m doing a pretty decent job of being a human being.
And guess what? So are you.
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