JOY: It’s a Journey
When I was ten, my brother and I kept busy during the first few days of summer break by helping a teacher at our neighborhood Catholic school clean out her classroom. My brother, Andy, is a helper at heart so it was no surprise that his teacher loved him and granted us this special privilege.
Exactly what the job entailed is foggy, but I’m sure my brother did much of the heavy lifting, moving desks and chairs while I probably flitted around talking incessantly and getting in the way of progress. Andy may confirm that this is pretty much the way things still go when it comes to many things in our lives.
And while I can’t remember if we scrubbed desks, or sorted books, or made trips to the dumpster, I am certain of one thing - as a reward, the teacher gave me several discontinued language arts textbooks to take home. They weren’t just any textbooks – they were Teacher’s Editions.
I spent the rest of the summer pouring over those textbooks - creating imaginary classrooms in my bedroom, doling out assignments to fictitious students, and reading every margin of every page because that’s where the “answers” were. To think of it now makes me a little emotional. I see a little girl joyfully beginning a life-long love affair with learning and teaching.
One of the ways I’m wired to experience joy is when I’m learning, reading, researching, being curious and then figuring out how to use that information for good. I am 100% sure that I came to the planet programmed to do this.
You may think that kind of attention to learning sounds awesome or awful. You may relate, or you may be wondering who in the world would be so excited by learning as a recreational activity. And that’s exactly my point - my joy is different from your joy – that’s the way we’re made, and it’s wonderful.
We all have a specific set of keys that are designed to unlock our joy. It’s a set made just for us.
I think in today’s busy, chaotic, emotionally overwhelming world it’s easy to stop using our joy keys. It’s easy to give up on finding more joy, to stay content, to be happy with good enough.
Sometimes I see people who have flat out lost their joy keys, and they’re just too overwhelmed, exhausted, or defeated to go looking for them. I see them in line at Target; I see them in the corporations where I consult; I see them in groups of women (recent new moms or empty-nesters, sometimes). I recognize them because once upon a time I was there too. Other moms tell me about their teen daughters who have already lost their joy keys. I find this to be especially sad.
In my experience, the keys are always there waiting to be rediscovered. My rediscovery of joy came during an exercise I was doing with my students when I was a professor teaching Composition. Through a series of events I filled in a Joy Map one day in class and discovered that I was no longer doing any of the things on it. You can read more about that here.
Joy Mapping is a great way to reignite the joy in your life. Fill in the circles with the things that bring you joy, and then post it somewhere you’ll see it. Commit to doing some of the things on your joy map each month. And no judgment, if watching endless documentaries or meticulously organizing closets brings you joy – go for it. (I can relate to the first one, but not to the second.)
A Joy Review
Sometimes when joy has become a stranger, it’s not so easy to fill out the map. In that case, I encourage you to go back to the beginning of your journey. Just like my small self was engrossed in the teacher’s edition, your small self was engrossed in something too. And all along the way (think in five year increments) our lives are filled with clues on how to revive and increase the joy in our lives. Think back, where have you experienced joy along the way? Here’s a quick snapshot of my journey.
5 - picture books
10 - teachers editions / playing school
15 - drama club and being in plays (imagine that!)
20 - college classes and tracking my way to graduation
25 - being a wife and creating a family and family traditions
30 - playing with the kids, being creative
35 - writing and teaching, traveling and being by the beach
40 - growing my business, creating content, continuing a life centered on family
45 - friendships, dating my husband, supporting my grown children, new creative projects
Where is the joy in your journey? Track it.
What is Joy?
I can hear what some of you are thinking. This all sounds great, but I’m not even sure - what is joy? Is it happiness? Is it exhilaration?
For me, JOY is the third definition in Webster’s Dictionary, “a source or cause of delight.” I love this definition because it opens the door for even very small moments to become a source of joy.
morning coffee, sitting next to the warmth of my pup, watching big snowflakes fall from inside a cozy house
If joy is the feeling of delight, and we can learn to delight in the smallest things in life, then no matter the adversity we face, we can still have joy. It is ours for the taking, but you have to be willing to go get your joy. Use your keys, unlock the joy that’s waiting.
So if it’s so simple, why don’t we focus more on making joy a priority in our lives?
I remember one day when both of my kids were finally in elementary school. I found it strange to have free time again. One afternoon, I went down to our basement and watched a movie by myself. And instead of feeling relaxed, I felt GUILTY. Who was I to be doing something just for me?
I think we subconsciously avoid joy for the exact same reason that I had a hard time watching a movie on a random, Wednesday afternoon – it feels self indulgent, and we feel guilty for wanting more for ourselves. Feeling joy related to other people is easy, but when it comes to joy that comes from doing something specifically for me – hold up! I can put that off until another day. This kind of thinking is exactly what leads to lost joy keys. Guilt is a huge joy blocker.
In The Book of Joy, co-authored by the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and Douglas Abrams, Abrams recounts how as they began the project that produced the book, they asked people to submit their questions about joy. He recounts in the book’s introduction, “It was fascinating that the most asked question was not about how we could discover our own joy but how we could possibly live with joy in a world filled with so much suffering.” Their answer? “Suffering is inevitable, but how we respond to that suffering is our choice.”
The answer to suffering is not more suffering through limiting our interaction with joy. Part of healing the suffering of the world is delighting in the small moments of life with the people we love and care for. I believe this is the first step to a world with less suffering - simple joy practiced over and over by lots and lots of us.
When we take responsibility for filling our own joy well, it makes every other challenge we face as humans easier. And it makes us more helpful humans, more caring humans.
Joy Blockers
But inevitably things steal our joy: waking up with a migraine, worrying about family members, moments of despair and confusion. What do we do then?
Look for micro-moments of joy.
As humans one of our biggest flaws is how easily we take things for granted. In a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David is bantering with a receptionist who is sitting in front of an amazing view of Los Angeles. He asks her how long it took her to take the view for granted. For him, he says it probably would have only taken half an hour. This is funny because for many of us it’s true. We have the equivalent of amazing views in our lives that we pass by daily without a thought.
Even on days (or weeks, or months, or a year) when everything is going wrong, we can still find small pockets of joy. We can still go after those things that caused us to light up as we were growing up. We can still do one of the things on our joy map. A little joy goes a long way.
While guilt may be the ultimate joy blocker, here are five others that can also get in the way:
1. Comparison
Comparing yourself to anyone else in any way (looks, weight, job, kids, family, bank accounts) is a recipe for frustration and pathway to sadness. As they say, keep your eyes on your own paper and design the best life for you starting right where you are with what you already have.
2. Social media
Speaking of comparison, social media can be a huge joy blocker – whether we’re spending time wondering why someone didn’t comment on our post, or we’re feeling more inadequate by the minute as we consume someone else’s fabulous photos, if we aren’t in the right mindset, it can rob us of our joy. (The mindset I vote for is remembering that no one else’s posts, comments, or lack of comments are any reflection of you.)
3. People saying dumb things
We’ve all done it. So when someone says something dumb to you (barring something abusive), consider if it’s best to just let it go. Whole days have been ruined before I learned this lesson. Just because someone says it, doesn’t mean it’s true, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to believe it and let it bring you down.
4. Wishing for things to be other
Embracing the season you’re in is essential for finding more joy in your life. Sure it’s great to have dreams, but constantly wishing for a different reality without grabbing the opportunity to make your current circumstances the best they can be is a pathway to chronic unhappiness. Taking time to relish in what is can be an excellent way to find more joy.
5. Our thoughts
Am I the only one who has experienced thinking of every worst-case scenario after some big decision in my life? The decision is usually a good thing, but I sabotage it because of this tendency. There’s a term for this – it’s called catastrophizing, and it can lead to blocking feelings of joy that come with the good things in life. There’s also mind-reading (imagining what others are thinking) and fortune telling (imagining what the future holds without data) – those can be two mind traps that also steal our joy. If you’re falling into one of these three, try to reframe by using the statement, “A better way to think about this is …”
How to Move the Needle
So if you do a joy map, a joy review, and analyze your joy blockers, you’ll be well on your way to moving the needle when it comes to living with more joy in your life.
And there’s one final piece – being open to new things that bring you joy. For me, gone are the days of raising kids and delighting in their activities and energy on a daily basis. Instead of staying in mourning mode (which was a real thing when our youngest left for college), I’ve tried to discover some new things that bring me joy.
Here are a several:
working with no guilt – immersing myself in projects for hours at a time
coffee – I can’t believe that it took me until age 45 to like coffee
taking time to try new recipes and cooking classes ( I still have a long way to go, but it’s been fun trying)
new friendships and connections – breaking the barrier on this took some effort, but the friendships I’ve made in the last couple of years are one of the things I treasure most about this season
It’s important to remember that the things that used to bring us joy may not anymore – that’s ok, but don’t stop adding joy to your life just because those things are gone. So what are some new ways that you want to add joy to your life? What brings you delight today?
The exciting thing is that there are always more keys for you. It’s amazing how many you’ll find when you start looking. Unlocking joy comes with all kinds of benefits, but mostly it results in a YOU full of energy, kindness, and more love to share with others – and that’s one of the best ways to change the world!
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